Although this blog is mostly focused on helping people improve their lives, like how to develop self-discipline, I want to take a moment to talk about something more personal.
My wife, Abby, has extreme obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). But it’s not the kind you may be used to hearing about (the germ one).
Abby suffers from severe anxiety from being in close proximity to people.
These last few years she has made enormous strides to get over her fears.
She’s practiced going to the gym, eating out at restaurants, and going back to the dentist after a long absence.
Now, just as Abby is starting to recover, in comes social distancing. Something that involves an entire society avoiding being near people.
She’s not supposed to go to the gym. She’s not supposed to go to restaurants. She’s SUPPOSED to socially isolate herself.
This is like a nightmare the best Netflix writer couldn’t have concocted.
Let’s take a step back.
How My Wife’s Social Anxiety Started
Abby’s fear of being around people has emerged a few times throughout her life in a relatively mild manner, and then gone away.
But a few years back, her family doctor retired, and she stopped getting a medication renewed which she had been taking for years.
At the time, she had no idea the effect stopping that medication would have.
It turns out, the effect was to reignite worse than ever her fear of being physically close to people.
The Severity of the Problem (AKA the Exponential Part of the Curve)
When Abby stopped taking her medication, it took a few months before there were any signs anything was wrong.
It started with little things. Like avoiding really crowded restaurants.
But then it got worse.
Soon Abby was unable to commute into work because of the crowded metro trains, which made it so she could only consider remote jobs.
Then she couldn’t go to the grocery store. The fitness center in our building. The doctor.
Eventually, Abby started becoming almost a complete shut-in.
At its worst, her fear translated from people to other things.
Abby became afraid of being close to animals, bugs, and even grass.
And her fear extended beyond the people themselves, to anything that could be connected to that person. Someone holding a purse that could accidentally brush against her. Vibrations from someone sitting on the other side of the couch. People in the apartments above and below us.
Thankfully, Abby’s fear has never extended to me. But it affects her being around anyone else, including her closest family members, her sisters.
The Path to Recovery (AKA the Flattening of the Curve)
A few years back Abby started seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist.
It wasn’t as simple as just going back on the medication she stopped taking.
We tried that for sure, but as we found out from the medical professionals, it isn’t always as simple as that. Sometimes with obsessive-compulsive disorder, once the fears have set in deeply, it is harder to get back to “normal” levels than it is to prevent those fears from developing in the first place.
After trying out a few doctors, Abby finally settled on the right ones. And they have helped enormously.
Slowly but surely, Abby began to make progress.
She started getting over her fear of bugs and people in other apartments.
She started going to very low-key restaurants at off-peak times.
One of the biggest breakthroughs about a year ago was being able to go to the gym.
More recently, Abby started making some major progress, including going to the dentist multiple times for root canals, which a few years ago would have been unfathomable.
The Effect of Social Distancing (AKA Some Part of the Curve That is Above My Mathematical Ability to Describe)
Social distancing is something my wife and I fully support, because the most important thing is to save lives.
But at the same time, social distancing is making my wife’s recovery a million times more difficult.
It is forcing her to socially isolate, just when she was starting to get back out into the world.
My biggest fear is that Abby walks to get groceries, and despite her trying to avoid people, someone walks nearby her. Then a cop or other authority figure comes by and warns them about not being socially distant enough.
That would be the most devastating thing in the world because it would validate all her beliefs that being nearby people is somehow wrong (which in ordinary, non-virus times, is not wrong at all).
Now I am totally aware this scenario is me taking things to a crazy level. But even if nothing that satanically terrible occurs, social distancing is still preventing her from making the progress she was just starting to make. And possibly leading her to regressing back to some of her old ways of thinking.
Think about it this way – my wife has been struggling the last few years to learn that being near people is TOTALLY FINE. Now, society is basically saying, “all your fears of people are real.”
Our Plan to Conquer This Challenge
I mentioned my biggest fear, but I also have a biggest hope.
My hope is that Abby gets so sick of being socially isolated, that when we are finally let out into the world again, she is extremely motivated to get right back on track towards progress.
In the meantime, here is Abby’s game plan to limit the effects of social distancing on her recovery:
- Seeing her mental health professionals virtually.
- Continuing to do recordings that her therapist made, which affirm that she can be around people.
- Staying physically healthy by continuing to exercise.
- Using her time at home to be productive, such as helping with this blog – including editing this post 🙂
- Staying as calm as possible given the circumstances, and trying not to worry about the things outside of her control.
- Knowing that things will eventually get better – social distancing may be here for a long time, but it won’t last forever.
My Wife is Not the Only One
There are a ton of stories out there of people overcoming similar problems to my wife, or other kinds of mental health issues.
I can’t even imagine what is like for people who have the more common type of OCD – a fear of germs.
And of course there is general anxiety over the virus which we are all managing.
My thoughts and prayers are with everyone who is going through their own challenges during this tough time.
Abby’s Future
Despite all the fears and challenges social distancing presents to Abby’s recovery, we have no choice but to carry on.
Abby dreams that one day she will be able to fly again to see her sisters, who live in another state.
Or perhaps to go back to Puerto Rico, where we had our honeymoon.
I believe with all my heart that day will come, no matter how big the challenge we face.
I love you Abby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3